Of course, Cap'n Crunch isn't even a Captain, he's a "Cap'n".
From the Cap'n Crunch FAQ:
2. After years of adventuring, why isn't the Cap'n an Admiral yet?
It is a little known fact that the Cap'n WAS an Admiral at one time. After a tremendous outpouring from his fans, the Quaker Oats Company decided to promote the Cap'n. But Admiral Crunch quickly became bored with his desk job at Crunch Headquarters. And after a small mishap with the Crunch Berrie and Crunch Biscuit machine (at the hands of two recently promoted new co-Cap'ns) he decided that he was truly the best one suited for the role as the Cap'n. He soon requested his old position again, and he went back to being the best Cap'n that Crunch Headquarters has ever had. He is much happier now!
6. The Cap'n has three stripes, does this mean that he's a Commander?
Actually no. The rule set forth by Crunch Headquarters states that anyone who is in charge of a ship assumes the title of Cap'n. So far, no one's taken charge of any ship better than Cap'n Crunch so he is the only one who officially holds that title.
So Cap'n Crunch is a "Cap'n" in some paramiltary organization run from "Crunch Headquarters". Creepy.
And I'm just assuming that Col. Crunch was really in the Army. Maybe he's one of those Southern gentlemen who just uses the title as an honorific. You know, like Col. Sanders. Judging by the arrow stuck through his hat, though, Col. Crunch has at least seen some combat.
And why can't I find Col. Crunch on the Popsicle site?