FATHER: "Okay, kids, your mother and I are going out for the night and won't
be back till past your bed time."
MOTHER: "So be good, and do whatever grandpa tells you, okay?"
BESSIE & BOBBY & MYRTLE & EUGENE & TOMMY: (Various and sundry
"Okays" and "yes mommy")
GRANDPA: "Don't worry, I've taken care of kids before. When you come back,
all four of them will be safe."
MOTHER: "There are five of them."
GRANDPA: "I knew that."
FATHER: "Dad, if you need anything, the Sutters across the street will be glad to help."
GRANDPA: "Don't worry. I've survived a world war, I won't have any trouble with your pets."
FATHER: "Our kids, dad, our kids."
GRANDPA: "That's what I said."
MOTHER: "I don't know about this. . . "
GRANDPA: "Don't worry, if there's any trouble I'll just do what I did in Korea: I'll dig trenches."
FATHER: "Come on, or we'll be late."
MOTHER: "But. . . "
FATHER: "They'll be fine."
MOTHER: "All right. Good bye kids!"
ALL KIDS: (various goodbyes)
F/X: (the door slams as they leave, and a moment later the car starts and pulls away)
GRANDPA: "Well, kids, here we are, all together."
BESSIE: "Sure, whatever."
BOBBY: "Big deal."
MYRTLE: "Ignore him, and maybe he'll go away."
EUGENE: "What's on TV?"
TOMMY: "Good grasp of the obvious, Grandpa!"
GRANDPA: "And you know what? This reminds me of a story of the olden days. . ."
BESSIE: "Oh no!"
BOBBY: "Somebody stop him!"
MYRTLE: "Somebody throw something at him!"
EUGENE: "Hide! Everybody hide!"
TOMMY (accompanied by rattling): "We can't, the doors are locked!"
GRANDPA: "This story takes place back in the good old days. . ."
BESSIE: "The dark ages?"
GRANDPA: "No, those were the days when we burned witches and persecuted heretics, before Disney took over family entertainment."
BOBBY: "I loved Bambi."
GRANDPA: "And I loved the Spanish Inquisition. But those aren't the days I'm talking about. No, my story is back from 1947. I was in the Navy back then, and this was just three months after we'd finished kicking Adolph Hitler's butt!"
MYRTLE: "But Grandpa, Hitler died in 1945!"
GRANDPA: "Well, we kept on kicking him for a couple more years after the war. We'd been having a rough time and needed a few laughs. But, as I was saying. . ."
EUGENE: "Grandpa, is persecuting the Germans fun?"
GRANDPA: "Yes, darling, and they deserve it too. Now, as I was saying, this was 1947, and I was just a young man in a Navy uniform wandering from one port of call to the next, along with a ship and 123 other young men, all of whom outranked me."
TOMMY: "Grandpa, why weren't you promoted in the Navy?"
GRANDPA: "Because when you accidently shoot an admiral out of a cannon, they don't eeeeeevvvvvvvveeeeeer let you near another one. Now, one day our ship landed in the Iberian Peninsula. We didn't mean too, but we'd gotten lost the week before, you see, and since we weren't anywhere NEAR Okinawa, we decided to cut our losses and land in Spain."
BESSIE: "Grandpa, are you incompetent?"
GRANDPA: "That's what the doctors said, dear, but the courts could never prove a thing."
BOBBY: "Maybe their lawyers weren't good enough."
GRANDPA: "So we set down in Spain, and made our way to a small village in the Canary Islands. This was a very primitive village, you understand. Why, it was so small that the United States had never even invaded it before. But we were going to change all that, and so we arrived to the cheers of the local townspeople."
MYRTLE: "Why were they cheering?"
GRANDPA: "Because we were men with guns, darling. Someday, when you're older, you'll understand. Well now, after we had secured the village and punished the government. . ."
EUGENE: "Punished them for what, grandpa?"
GRANDPA: "For not being Americans. It's a very common crime, overseas. It seems like everybody's doing it. Well, after we had made the local inn our base, we knocked out a few walls, and then we put them back up again, because it turned out those walls had been a pretty good idea in the first place. Next we shot a few things by accident, and then we all took a nap. It was the best way to handle the situation. That's what president Eisenhower did, you know. Just go to sleep and let John Foster Dullas handle things. But when we went to sleep, John Foster Dullas wasn't anywhere near the area, so we weren't counting on him to show up. We would have been happy if Harry Truman, or Richard Nixon had showed up. Anyone but Yoko Ono, really."
BESSIE: "Grandpa, Yoko Ono's work is severely underrated."
BOBBY: "I think she speaks to a fundamental angst in the human psyche."
MYRTLE: "The violation of conventional art standards is the work of a visionary, Grandpa."
EUGENE: "Without unconventional artists, society would be left with stagnant conventions."
GRANDPA: "You kids grow up so fast."
TOMMY: "I have to go to the bathroom!"
GRANDPA: "Well, some of you grow up so fast. The next morning I awoke at the crack of dawn. I always woke up at the crack of dawn."
BESSIE: "Because you had guard duty?"
GRANDPA: "No, because I had this problem with my urinary track. You see. . ."
ALL CHILDREN: "Stop!"
GRANDPA: "Well, okay, but the folks at the bingo parlor found it awfully interesting."
BOBBY: "We've got to get out of here."
MYRTLE: "Maybe I can pick the lock."
EUGENE: "Break the door down!"
MYRTLE: "I'm working on it!"
TOMMY: "Hurry!"
GRANDPA: "And that day, when I woke up, and went to the window, I saw the most beautiful sight I have ever seen in my life."
BESSIE: "How's the door coming?"
MYRTLE: "Don't pressure me! I can't work under pressure!"
GRANDPA: "It was a native woman, going to the well with a basket."
BOBBY: "The well had a basket?"
GRANDPA: "I don't think so, but then, my memory's not what it was. When she arrived at the well she bent over to pull up the bucket. . ."
BOBBY: "The well had a bucket?"
GRANDPA: "Don't you think I know what I'm talking about?"
BOBBY: "No."
GRANDPA: "So don't ask. And you think you're so smart. Well, I was transfixed by her beauty as she stood there pulling up water, while the hummingbirds danced around her and the flowers bloomed. . ."
BESSIE: "I thought it was allready summer!"
GRANDPA: "Red and yellow and violet and pink and red and yellow and violet and pink and red and yellow and violet and pink. . . "
BOBBY: "Haven't you finished the lock?"
MYRTE: "No! Mom and dad added a deadbolt!"
BOBBY: "Not another one!"
GRANDPA: "Red and yellow and violet and pink and red and yellow and violet and pink and red and yellow and violet and pink and red and yellow. . . but I repeat myself."
TOMMY: "I certainly think so."
GRANDPA: "And in that idyllic setting, with the moonlight falling lightly on her shoulders. . ."
BESSIE: "You said it was dawn!"
GRANDPA: "How could I help falling in love with her on the spot? I went out to her and said 'HI'! And she said 'Ahso, nichiwan, aragato?"
EUGENE: "You said she was Spanish before!"
GRANDPA: "The rest, as they say, was history. And that woman, boys and girls, was your grandmother!"
(Pause)
BESSIE: "No she wasn't!"
BOBBY: "Not even close!"
MYRTLE: "Last week you said our mother was Tibetan!"
EUGENE: "And yesterday you said she was Navaho!"
TOMMY: "I've seen Grandma, and she looked pretty white to me!"
GRANDPA: "Really? Oh, well, I got a lot of stories. Maybe this one is about your grandmother. I was walking down the road one day to sell a cow, when a little man came out and offered to sell me some magic beans. . ."
BESSIE: "Not the magic harp story again!"
F/X: (There is a loud click)
MYRTLE: "I've got it! The door's unlocked!"
BESSIE: "Everybody out!"
BOBBY: "Where will we hide?"
MYRTLE: "Anywhere!"
EUGENE: "I'll lock myself in the bathroom!"
TOMMY: "It's not soundproof!"
EUGENE: "That's right! Everybody outside!"
ALL KIDS: (Assorted shouts about leaving and various noises.)
GRANDPA: "Wait kids, there's a giant in this story! Or, maybe it's Dwight Eisenhower, I'm not sure. But he's big! I. . . oh, what's the use. Kids nowadays, they never listen. Now in my day, when my grandfather wanted to tell us something, he'd take us over his knee and whip us good, just to get our attention. Then the Cival War would break out, and we'd all fight for the Union. . . or. . . maybe the British, I'm not sure. But then. . . ah, but you kids never listen! It's all television's fault!"
END